Let’s be honest, farts are funny (unless you are on the receiving end of a ‘Dutch oven’ or a ‘fart biscuit’). Everyone does it. For some reason or another, society has deemed farts to be something we should be embarrassed about. Not this guy. I have fond memories of hanging out with friends, where someone would inevitably announce the roaring explosion that was about to occur in their pants…we would stand-by grinning with lighters in hand, ready to see how big the explosion would really be…many times it would result in a shart (shit/fart), but that’s a different story altogether.


Meet Caleb. I call him Mr. Caleb Stinky Butt, because of the nasty smells he is able to generate. You see, Caleb is the silent but deadly type. It is common for him to warm up to guests, gain their trust, get them on his side, and then leak out a stinky surprise. It usually results in people blaming me. When I point the finger in his direction everyone laughs, and I’m told to stop blaming the cat. Not cool. Now I know how my mother felt…

Guilty as charged

My grandpa was a quite man, but had a sense of humor like none other. In his later years my mother would take him to get groceries, shop for clothes, etc. He was grateful for the ride, but had a funny way of showing his appreciation. You see, grandpa loved (that’s an understatement) to embarrass my mother in public. Often times, he would let one rip in a crowded store, quickly look at my mom, and loudly say “for god sakes, what in the hell did you eat?” She would usually go wait in the car, and I would laugh to the point of tears.


My junior year of college at the University of North Dakota was a memorable one. Money and Banking was by far my favorite class – most of my friends were in it, the professor had a knack for teaching, and the topic itself was interesting. One day my stomach started to grumble. It was pretty clear what was going to happen, so I leaned over to tell my friend Miles that I had to fart. He looked at me with a grin and said “be proud, make it loud.” I nodded and told him to quickly turn around when I did it so nobody would know the explosion came from me. The timing was perfect. When the professor was transitioning into a new topic, I released the loudest fart ever heard in human history (I swear the building rumbled). The class erupted in laughter, everyone turned around in their seats to eye up the culprit, and so did Miles and I. The plan would have worked had there been someone sitting behind us, but the seats were empty. It was pretty clear I did the deed.

We’ve all been there – silently let one escape in a crowded room and slowly notice the change in people’s facial expressions when the smell finally reaches them. It’s a look of pure disgust. Like the game Clue, everyone has their suspicions of who unleashed the putrid scent, eventually putting the pieces together – transforming the look of disgust into a cold hard look at you. When this happens, have a little courtesy and take ownership of your brand. It’s the least you could do…

Lessons learned:

  1. Life is more enjoyable with laughter. Flatulence generates laughter. (You see where I’m going with this…)
  2. Lighting farts on fire is fun, give it a try sometime!

3 Responses to “Flatulence”

  • Melanie

    I think farts are hilarious. As I’m a woman, I do my best not to share them with others, unless I’m in the company of only good friends at my house. Then it’s all courtesies off.

    One of my boyfriends had a house with hardwood floors. He would sit on the floor of his bedroom, and fart and it would vibrate so hard you could hear it downstairs. His dad would then rate the fart by yelling, “I give it a two. That was weak!” or something similar.

    In high school my friends and I had a code. If one of us had to let one at lunch in the library quad, we would gently say, “Safety” to let the others know a smell was coming, and they may want to move. As no one besides our close group of friends knew what it meant, it was fun to watch the look of disgust travel through the crowd.

    • kourteous

      I like your style Melanie, however, females don’t fart (or do anything gross for that matter). If by some miracle women did actually pass gas, I imagine it would smell like roses.

  • Kendar

    Omg! I am laughing so hard that my co-workers are concerned for my mental health.

    I wanted to share a story about my dear departed Grandmother and her inevitable public SBD’s (Silent but Deadly). She was one of the slowest walkers known to man and so in order not to leave her behind we got into the habit of just walking behind her while we shopped. It never failed, at least once (if not two or three times) per trip you would see her speed up and whip around a corner. If you were lucky enough to notice her do this, you immediately turned and ran the other direction, and if you didn’t you would find yourself in the nastiest fart cloud it would take your breath away. It was not uncommon for people to cough and gag while unknowingly walking through the danger zone. Sometimes she would tug on your arm and say, “let’s go look over there” and you always knew what that meant… incoming SBD!

    Gotta love Granny!