There comes a time in everyone’s life when big changes start to occur (puberty, friends getting married/having kids and others ‘coming out of the closet’ so to speak). One of ours began this past September when my girlfriend, Courtney, accepted a job offer in Seattle. In full support of her and her career opportunity, I eagerly quit my job and we prepared for this new adventure—Minneapolis to Seattle.
I decided to get drugs for the cats, knowing full well that Emma and Caleb would be shitheads on the three day drive. It seemed simple. One pill every four to six hours, bada bing bada boom, problem solved…or was it?
The car was packed full, so one cat carrier was placed on top of the mound in the backseat, and the other on Courtney’s lap. Despite being a bit cramped, the first few hours were great. The cats were knocked out, and Courtney and I finally had time to relax. It was in Fargo North Dakota when our luck began to change.
Emma woke up, letting us know how angry she was, meowing nonstop (suicide seemed like a viable option). Bismarck, our stop for the night, was still a few hours out, so it seemed logical to give Emma another pill, right? WRONG! While Courtney attempted to slip the pill down her throat, Emma chomped down on the pill, quickly transforming her into a CAT FROM HELL!
Emma started screaming like a pissed off child, and hissing at anything that moved. She soon discovered her passed out brother, and ABSOLUTELY LOST IT. In no time Emma was beating the crap out of Caleb in the back seat of the car. Poor guy didn’t even see it coming. Drugged and confused, he defended himself the best he could. As I was driving, I reached back to stop her. In the process, she viciously attacked my arm, leaving a bloody mess.
We eventually got the devil cat back into her carrier. When we arrived at my friend Jason’s apartment in Bismarck we were tired and bloody. Not thinking, we let them out of their carriers after getting inside. He had no idea what he had gotten himself into by letting us spend the night.
We locked Emma in the bathroom, in an attempt to calm her down, which worked for a little while (minus the screaming). She was in a bathtub, her safe place, her personal princess palace. All was well until, out of nowhere, she began to take a fat deuce. Courtney burst into laughter, I panicked, tried to pick her up, she fell three times into her poo, jumped out of the tub and painted Jason’s bathroom brown. Modern day poocasso!
While Courtney was in the bathroom cleaning Emma with my shirt, I came out to deliver the news to Jason.
Me: “So, here’s the deal. Emma just took a fat shit in your bathtub.”
Jason: (looks up, taking a sip of his beer) “Okay.”
Me: “Then she fell in it three times, smearing it all over your bathtub and herself in the process.”
Jason: (looks back at me showing a little more concern) “Okay.”
Me: “Then she jumped out of the tub, ran around the bathroom, smearing her poop on pretty much everything .”
Jason: (gets up, slams his beer, calmly looks at me) “Cleaning supplies are under the kitchen sink. I’m going to bed.”
Me: “I. AM. SO. SORRY.”
The cats spent the night in their carriers in the car. (Emma was clean, the temp outside was fine, so don’t get all PITA on me).
The drive the next day was uneventful. We decided not to drug the cats, which turned out to be a great idea. That night we stayed in Missoula Montana. Great town. Love to visit again someday without the cats.
The third and final day, we entered the mountains by nightfall with little excitement from our furry friends. Emma was calm, so long that someone pet her, and Caleb barely made a peep in the backseat. Then, 40 minutes away from Seattle, Caleb came out of his cage for the first time on this journey. Finding it a bit unusual, I reached back and turned the dome light on to see what he was doing. He looked like he was in pain and ready to poop. He began meowing non-stop in a very low voice…then it came…he emptied his bladder (three days worth) on top of our things. We laughed to the point of tears, pulled over, and cleaned up the poor guy. This had been a rough journey for him.
After three days of driving, cat pooping in my friends bathtub, and the other cat peeing in our car, we finally made it to our new home! SEATTLE!! My life as a stay at home cat dad began.
1. It isn’t very courteous to stay at a friend’s house with pets. No matter how cool they seem to be with the idea. Just spend the extra monies for a hotel room.
2. Don’t get cats. You’ll thank me later. You’re welcome.